Unexpected Hospital Visit

  Today I unexpectedly find myself in A&E with suspected appendicitis. As I sit in the cubicle where I have been for hours waiting for test results and doctors, feeling immensely frustrated at the situation in which I find myself, I can't help looking at the 3 surrounding walls and curtain in front of me and wonder what it would be like to be stuck in a cell this size for 23 hours a day. I am already feeling impatient, angry, almost claustrophobic and desperate to just be allowed home. The thought of being stuck in a similar size cell waiting until they tell me my execution date has been set fills me with dread. I already feel like a caged animal after a few hours in a hospital cubicle, so how soul destroying and dehumanising must it be to know that the tiny space you now occupy, may be the only space you will occupy until you are murdered by the state! I know that I will be going home, if not today, tomorrow or the next day, and although a hospital is nothing like a prison, I can't help calling to mind my pen pals on death row. The thought of being stuck in a cell with little hope of ever living beyond the walls surrounding me makes me wonder how they find the strength to keep on going. How do they survive the daily stress and boredom? I am not sure I could! With this in mind, I think of the wonderful letters that have been written to me, and can't help but admire the strength and generosity of human spirit which lives in these men.

I was finally moved to a ward, and was suprised at the relief I felt to have a window. I hadn't realsed how much more claustrophobic it felt not to have an outlook on the world beyond my four walls. I have never considered what it must be like to be in a windowless environment before, and it must have an effect on the psyche of anyone imprisioned with no way to see outside.

Tips when writing to a Death Row Inmate

When I first started to look into writing to inmates, I read a lot of advice on various websites about what to include and what to say. These are my thoughts after writing and receiving several letters.

Your first letter should be light and chatting, just telling them a bit about yourself. I was worried about what to say and what they might say back, but all my letters have been gratefully received  and as they ask me questions and answer any of mine, so far I have found them very easy to write and a pleasure to receive. 

A lot of people are worried about using their home address, but the advice I read said not to worry, as your pen pal is on death row, so isn't likely to be leaving prison, unless of course they are found to be innocent, in which case, you have nothing to worry about. Also as I am writing from so far away, I don't feel it is an issue for them to know where I live. My husband, on the other hand, is not happy that I have done this, so perhaps I should have spoken about it first. 

Other useful advice was that if you have more than one pen pal, make sure they are in different prisons, and also not to talk about your other pen pals as tis can result in fights.

 I also read that it may be an idea to offer to send stamps, so I did that in my introduction letter. In hindsight, perhaps this is not such a good idea. Of the 5 replies I received, one said that I could order stamps to be sent direct to him, one said that they could only receive care packages and gave me the details should I be interested, although he did not ask me to send anything, one said that the inmates had to buy stamps from the prison canteen, but they could be sent money, but he emphasised that he did not know me well enough to ask for money, one said he couldn't receive stamps, but would just make sure he worked up enough to get a stamp in time to reply to my letters, and the final reply ( the inmate from whom I have now received 2 letters) did not mention my question at all. The inmate who said stamps can be sent to him mentioned that they can be sent no more than 60 in one go. I have written back saying I could probably send a book of 6 every now and then, so I will see what happens with that. I guess the purpose of mentioning this is that perhaps I would feel less awkward if I simply hadn't mentioned the stamps in the first place, but waited until I had established a friendship without the pressure of the stamps hanging over us. I have told them all that I do not have a lot of money and can only offer them friendship. So contrary to the advice I read, I would not make any offers of stamps or anything else. 

Other advise was to make it clear if you are not after any romantic relationship, so I made it clear that I am a happily married woman only looking to extend the hand of friendship in my introductory letters. Also I included a photo of myself  inserted into the word document I was creating, so that the inmate could see what I look like to make the letter more personal.

Finally, I asked about photos, etc that I could send and any other rules of which I should be aware. It is wise to write the inmate name and number on each page, and on the back of any photos you send once you have established what you an send. The envelope must have the inmates name and DOC number on it, and your return address must be in the top right corner on the front of the envelope. Also, many prisons to not allow stickers, tape of any sort, or perfumed paper to be used, so best to avoid that if you want to ensure your letter isn't returned to you or destroyed.

There are many websites which offer advice and list inmate pen pal requests. If you choose to open your heart and write to an inmate, I hope you find it a great experience, but remember that this is a commitment and you must be willing to continue writing, as your pen pal will look forward to your letters and may be very disappointed if you suddenly sever contact without a reason.

Reflections on reading the first letters

  The first thing that strikes me when reading these letters is how "normal" these men seem. Their letters are filled with humour, stories of childhood and tales of their everyday life on death row. Each one thanks me for taking my time to write to them and never before have a I felt so appreciated for such a small thing like writing a simple letter to a stranger. They seem genuinely greatful for the contact and the fact that somebody cares. I have received replies from 5 inmates and have since written back to them. Each of my pen pals has different talents, but they all seem trying to better themselves in some way. They write poetry or are trying to write novels or have learned an art like drawing or painting (I received some beautiful handdrawn and handpainted Christmas cards), some have turned to bible study courses. A couple are reaching out to the youths of today to try and show them that crime doesn't pay. The letters seem very honest and they all offer to answer any question that I may have. One asks that I do not ask about his crime, due to ongoing legal work, while another tells me about the crime, but says he is innocent of the murder, but guilty of being their at the time, not realising what was going to happen. I must admit in both of these cases, the evidence seems lacking to me, from what I have read, and I don't really understand why either of these men are on death row. A couple of the men have committed terrible crimes, but that is not something I wish to discuss in this blog, nor do I wish to question them about their crime, as the purpose of my writing to them was not to be nosy about their crimes, but simply to offer friendship and comfort to people in a horrible situation. One thing they seem to have in common is a troubled childhood, and drugs have been involved in many of the crimes (I certainly feel that the crimes are the result of drug-influenced situations that got out of control, rather than premeditated murders). None the less, that does not diminish the fact that there were victims in these crimes, and family members on both the victim and offenders side have lost love ones or are in danger of losing loved ones. One thing that strikes me is how far away from the prisons most of the families seem to live, so visits are infrequent, even from the family who does wish to visit. Those (as in the case of one of my pen pals) whose family have not forgiven them for their crime, or are angry with them, do not receive any visits and seldom get letters, so a letter from a stranger offering friendship means a great deal. One of my "pals" implied that my letters and offer of friendship was the answer to his prayers, when he felt ready to be able to communicate with someone, he prayed that God would find a penpal willing to write to him, and he feels that he has been blessed and that our friendship is a gift from God. One thing is certain, I feel truly humbled by the words of these men facing death, and I hope that I will be able to continue to write to them for many years to come.

Reading first letters

  After reading my letters, all I can say today is..

Wow!!!!!